You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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