Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize