i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
