oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
