There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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