Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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