I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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