The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
