I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I could make wine with my vomit
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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