Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
