he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
