the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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