i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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