I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
