someone owes me an orgasm
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
