Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i think i have two assholes
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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