Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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