Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
