youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
