Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
