You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
