Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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