in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
