did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
this beer tastes like vomit already
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
