i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
