Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
