I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
