i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
