when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
