Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We left the knife in your bed.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
