worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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