Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
