Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
