if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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