Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
