why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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