totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
