did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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