seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
