No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
