i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
