some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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