There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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