he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
