Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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