So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize