His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
