Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
