I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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