The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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