Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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