I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
