Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
