I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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