Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
