just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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