Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
