i just wanna soil my oats bro
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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